This school year I was put in a position to once again be the union rep. Not such a bad thing, but with the budget issues the district is struggling to negotiate with the union because there just isn’t money. However, like any “good” union, mine is trying to find money so teachers don’t lose their jobs. I didn’t receive a layoff notice so it doesn’t affect me as much, but many of my friends are going to lose their job. There’s no way around it. The point I’m making is being a union rep right now just adds to my burden.

I am also a department chair and a site leadership team member. All of these involve more meetings, more stress, more reading, and more talking than I really feel up to right now.

On top of this, I am in grad school through National University. I started last May and took December off. I will be done with my Master’s in July, but I’m just not in the mood to do the work anymore. Between all my meetings, and not sleeping, and wanting time with my son, I just don’t have the energy. I look at my books and the desire I had to finish is gone. It’s just one more burden. I got this way in college too. School just seemed like something I HAD to do not something I WANTED to do.

My therapist says I need to let things so, but remain responsible in my obligations. Well, let’s see… All of these are obligations! I’d like to quit it all. I can’t quit my job- I’d go before the school board and they could recommend I lose my credential. I could quit being the union rep or being on the leadership team, but that has its drawbacks. I don’t want to look like a “quitter” in the eyes of other administrators within the district. It’s likely my school is closing so I want to look good so I can go to a school I really want to teach at.

I feel like a bad mom too. I love my son and he loves me, but I admit I’m tired and I get lazy sometimes. I let him cry a few more minutes in the morning when he’s ready to wake up. I stopped letting him walk to the car because it was taking too long and that meant I had to leave a few minutes earlier than I wanted to. I look forward to when he’s ready for bed because then I can relax. Trust me, I LOVE playing with my son, reading to him, teaching him new things, etc. but with everything else it does pile up. That, and our new dog and cat make me tired too.

In our advisory class we just finished reading together Diary of a Wimpy Kid “The Ugly Truth”. The kids really enjoyed it, as did I. I never have time to read books and I had never read one before. The message that growing up isn’t easy really resonated with me. I am struggling with being an adult. Despite turning 30 in a year, I don’t know if being a grown-up is where I want to be right now. I love my son, my husband, and my family, but there are times where I think, “being a kid wasn’t so bad”. There are things that sucked about it, but I didn’t have nearly as much on my plate. As a kid I felt like what I did had purpose and meaning, now I struggling to find the “why” in what I’m doing. I guess I too need a Gammie to teach me that I should have stayed a kid longer. Then I wouldn’t be nearing my breaking point.

Here’s what happened today:
I got to the drive-thru and ordered a venti nonfat peppermint latte. I get them once a week. Normally I get a grande 1/2 caff skinny vanilla latte. I go to this Starbucks when I go to work and normally enjoy the experience. At least I did before I went on maternity leave.

When I got to the window the girl said “$4″ so I handed her a ten then she looked at me and said “was that a mocha or a latte?” Oh shit. I knew they screwed up. She looks at the other girl and tells her in her most pretentious voice, “I told you it was a latte!”

Just give me my fucking drink! I got 3 hours of sleep last night because my baby acted like he was starving. I need caffeine!

So, I’m sitting there for several minutes waiting for them to correct my drink. Of course, the lady doesn’t even tell me they screwed up or apologize for the screw up. I see her and the drink maker high-fiving (for what- being able to cross the street without getting hit by a bus or being able to walk the street without a helmet?)

After another couple of minutes the lady opens the window, surprised I’m still there and tries to sell me their new instant coffee. She tells me what a good deal it is. “Less than a dollar a cup!” I don’t give a shit! Why not give it to me for free since I’ve been sitting here now for 5 minutes! You’re wasting my time!

Finally, low and behold, my drink! She tells me have a nice day. I refrain from telling her to shove it and I drive off. I’ve placed my drink in my cup holder and after a couple blocks take my first sip. It was not refreshing and wonderful as usual. It was probably the second worse peppermint latte I’ve ever had. Starbucks should hire smarter people.

So, moral of the story is: don’t go to the Starbucks on Fulton Ave. anymore. Instead, I’ll be going to the one on Madison and praying they’ve hired smarter people.

We arrived at Kaiser the following day at 5:30AM. I was so excited that the day had arrived. We got checked in, got to our room, and I got my basic tests administered- blood pressure, temperature, etc. Everything seemed fine. They explained that they’d be monitoring me and my baby the entire time just to make sure we were okay. Then they explained they’d be inserting a pill into my vagina to help open my cervix (I came in at a little less than 2 cm). They even told me it might take several doses before they were going to proceed with the pitocin.

After 4 hours with just the pill, the doctor came in, checked my cervix and decided I could start pitocin even though I was still just over 2 cm. Started that for a few hours. My contractions didn’t really hurt. In fact, I barely had them at all.

After 2 hours they came in, checked me again and said I wasn’t progressing so they were going to try inserting a ball behind my cervix, inflating it, and when it fell out I’d be at 4 cm. The whole idea of this freaked me out, but whatever. I wanted to meet my baby. The insertion process kind of hurt, but seemed okay. A few minutes after getting it inserted I really had to pee. So, I dragged my drip into the bathroom and low and behold the dang thing came out- along with blood, mucus, and all sorts of other nasty stuff. The bathroom looked so gross afterwards. I called a nurse and she cleaned it up. What a job…

Now that I was at 4 cm they upped my pitocin in more regular intervals. Still, my contractions never really hurt. Everyone told me they would, but they never did. After a couple more hours I got checked again and nothing was going on. So, the doctor decided to break my water to move things along. It was gross. It felt like I had peed all over the place, and it continued to feel that way the entire time.

After having my water broken my contractions felt a lot stronger. However, my cervix wasn’t dilating any faster. Over the next 6 hours I went from a 4 to a 5. My pitocin kept being upped every 1/2 hour which made my contractions hurt bad enough to ask for an epidural. Getting the epidural didn’t hurt, being forced to lie down doing nothing and peeing into a bag, that hurt my ego. I was happy to finally get some sleep.

Over the next 10 hours I was continually monitored. Doctors, nurses, my mom- they all checked on me. However, my little guy just did NOT want to come out. He was low in my pelvis, but my cervix did not open.

At 9:17am December 2nd my 6th OB came in to check me and to talk. I was at 6 cm and had my water broken 16 hours earlier. In 2 hours I would need a c-section anyway and the likelihood of me getting any more dilated were slim to none. He told me my best option was a c-section right then and there. I started to instantly cry. I know many women who’ve pushed and pushed only to be told they needed a c-section, but for me this was worse. My body had failed me. I couldn’t get anywhere near the pushing phase. I felt like I had failed my family, my husband, and my unborn son. All the things I had expected weren’t going to happen. I would never experience the “miracle of birth” where my baby is placed on my chest slimy and gross. I would be having surgery to extract him. It seemed so foreign and unnatural. I was disappointed to say the least.

In the operating room lots went wrong. I was leaned too far horizontal so my chest started to tighten. As an asthmatic that’s terrifying. They reduced the meds and propped me up after I had puked several times. By reducing my meds when they went to sew me back up and staple me closed, I felt severe pain. Because I was upset when they showed me my son I barely could focus on him. I feel like I missed his first moments. Despite all that hearing his first cries and seeing him then was amazing. At 9:58 AM I became a mommy. No one really tells you after a c-section you have to wait 30 minutes to hold your baby. My husband was holding our son as I was wheeled into recovery. He was so little and precious. I cried. I felt like I knew him without actually knowing him. There was some disconnect. I loved him but since we had never met it was a little strange. I had carried him for 9 months and yet, like any new person I wanted to get to know him. Maybe it’s a symptom of a c-section.

Over these last several months he’s changed so much. He smiles, he coos, he turns to look at me when he hears me, he’s not breastfeeding every 5 minutes, he tries rolling over, he can prop himself up when on his tummy, he can take a bottle, he likes standing up, and he lost him cone head from birth. I’ve changed too. I learned how much my mom loves me, I learned to love in a whole new way, I’m more patient, I learned how to use a breast pump, I can change diapers, I can swaddle, I can nurse and nap at the same time, and working no longer defines me.

I love my son more than I knew was possible. He’s so beautiful and so alert for his age. When discussing whether or not to have more children I just think about how I can’t imagine dividing my love for him with another child. I see how much effort and work goes into a newborn and I’m not ready to give my son any less attention.

Being a mom is amazing. Being a mom to my son is a blessing. I would not change anything about the last 2 months. They have been life altering in the best way possible.

After going to L&D I was reassured that my son is fine. He kicked, moved, and rolled like nobody’s business. I wasn’t having contractions and I’m not bleeding or dialated. But I have severe pain that won’t go away. I just want an answer. I am happy my son is okay, but why can’t I be okay? Why can’t I get through these last 6 weeks without wanting to rip out my uterus? Why can’t these 6 weeks not feel like my uterus is being ripped out and stomped on every time I move?

I have a doctor’s appointment next Wednesday at 35 weeks. Then I will hopefully get some answers and some relief. At L&D they said I was far enough along that if labor started they wouldn’t stop it. I want my baby to cook as long as possible. I don’t want to go into labor. I just want to get rid of this pain. Is that too much to ask?

I feel as though some of my students really enjoyed the experience while others could care less. I kept telling them “we could be doing book work” but they could care less. Since it’s middle school what made it easier to handle was we were doing the “e-lab” and telling the students we’ll be looking at their own cells soon enough helped keep them focused. I just don’t understand why labs are so awful for students. It must be the same reason students don’t go outside and play anymore. So sad…

As a soon to be FTM, I want my children to know that their choices have consequences and while I can encourage them to do well in school and I can encourage them to participate in society in a positive manner, in the end I can’t force them. I will try my darndest to make them get an education, but I don’t live and breathe in their bodies and at some point they will grow up and leave the house. It was nice for me to hear the president put responsibility in the hands of our youth. As a teacher I feel I get blamed a lot for students not doing their work, or not performing well- sorry, I don’t go home with your kids while they decided to play xbox all night and not do their homework or study for their test. I know parents struggle so maybe putting more responsibility on the hands of young people will effect change in the education system and in how our society progresses in the future.

Just my quick thought…. more to come later on.

So, last summer my husband and I went to Hawaii for our delayed honeymoon. While there we quickly realized every luau has an open bar. Eric (my husband) asked me if I thought I might be pregnant. RANDOM! I hadn’t really been taking my birth control pills, and we definitely hadn’t been using other forms of birth control, but I guess I didn’t really anticipate getting pregnant (yes, I do teach sex ed so I know how things work- like my students I can be dense sometimes). Well, Eric went to the store down the street and got a couple of tests. it recommended taking them in the morning so we ignore the instructions, I took one that night, and waited for the results. BAM! 2 little blue lines popped up saying we were pregnant. WHAT?!?!?!? I can’t say I was shocked, I was flabbergasted with the results. We immediately were excited and started making phone calls. We didn’t really know what to do. It was night in Hawaii but we still called the west coast and let our parents and other people know. Everyone was stoked. Just to be sure I took another test in the morning which once again came back positive.

I called kaiser a couple of days later, let them know the deal and they scheduled an appointment for me. Well, fast forward 6 weeks and on July 29th Eric, my mom, and I headed to the OB-GYN. They let me in first, did the basics of weight, blood pressure, etc. and then took me to a little room to talk. The doctor asked about abuse (none), my feelings (excited), was it planned (no). Then I was asked to undress from the waist down so they could do a transvaginal ultrasound. My mom and Eric were let in and the exam was started. The screen was pointing away from me but towards Eric and my mom. The doctor had this strange look on her face and my heart sank. I knew something was wrong so I just asked what was going on. The doctor said she couldn’t find the heartbeat and needed to get a second opinion. I started sobbing along with my mom, and even Eric teared up. The next doctor also couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was devastated. Even though I hadn’t planned this baby, I wanted him or her so bad. I never thought about miscarrying. I just went home, curled up on the floor and cried. Earlier that summer I had interviewed for different teaching jobs knowing I was pregnant, due in February, and would need to take off time that school year. I had even started “nesting” by making Eric rearrange furniture to make room for the baby.

After the miscarriage I entered the school year with a heavy heart. I knew another teacher at my school was pregnant which would be hard for me to see. But all that was last summer. All that was occurring before last school year started. This year is different.

I am 24 weeks, 4 days pregnant with a little boy. When I found out in March I dreaded my first ultrasound. It was at 7 weeks, earlier than last summer when I lost my baby (at 10 weeks). Despite how wonderful things looked, I still worried when I went and had another ultrasound at 12 weeks. So far everything has been amazing. My little guy and I have passed all tests with flying colors. He is quite the mover and shaker. I covet my belly and the tossing and turning it is under regularly. I talk to my little man, find myself petting my belly randomly, and wondering what he’ll be like when he’s born.

I still think about last summer. I think about the big brother or sister my son could have had. However, I don’t dwell. The statistics regarding miscarriages are staggering. So few women discuss it, but so many women have suffered through one. I will never take advantage of the joy brought to me by this pregnancy. I have loved all my children, even the ones that never made it into this world.

In my district they recommended all principals inform employees even earlier that they might be laid off. For some that seems like a really good idea, but I was told last Friday, after the final bell rang, that yes, I was getting a letter.

Being a new teacher I am not surprised. I have been teaching in this district for 2 1/2 years and got a letter last year. However, with a changing emphasis to science and math, and the apparent lack of these professionals I thought I was safe. No such luck. According to HR, here are the approximate hire dates of people who will be getting a March 15th letter:

Permanent Teachers
Multiple subject: 7/30/01
Counselors: 8/7/01
Intro art: 8/19/02
Intro English: 8:20/02
Intro Science: 8/20/04
Intro Social Studies: 8/20/04
Spanish: 8/20/04
Biology: 8/21/06 (that’s me)
English: 8/14/08

Probationary Teachers
Art: 8/14/06
Chemistry: 8/16/07
Math: 8/16/07
Music: 8/16/07
Social Studies: 8/16/07
P.E.: 9/10/07

This comes out to approximately 400 FTE’s and letters apparently will go out to 375 people. The numbers seem a little off, but the letters will not be sent out to people who resigned early but the actual position will probably still be gone.

I envision class sizes increasing, individualized attention diminishing, and accountability going out the window. It’s tough managing students nowadays. Testing is overwhelming so most students don’t get a lot out of their education- instead they’re becoming good test takers. What would happen if all those teachers were laid off? Class sizes would be astronomical. I always thought my children would go to a public school, but not in this environment.

I wonder when society is going to get it. When will we stop paying for services that don’t work, and start pouring money into students. California gives schools next to nothing per pupil. Few schools, unless they’re title 1, can afford new equipment and make students ready for college and the 21st century. Schools should be innovative and fresh, but students are allowed more creativity and opportunities to learn while on the internet at home. Kids have learned to blog, create games, social network, etc. without the help of schools. Schools have sat back and let society jump ahead of them.

The school I am at right now isn’t so bad. The teachers are young and enthusiastic, for the most part, but go to most schools and you will see teachers doing the same thing they did 30 years ago. They like white boards, not powerpoint; they like binders, not laptops; they’ve never created a blog, and don’t intend to; these are the people teaching your children. There’s nothing you can do about it either. Too many laws protect these teachers. Too many hoops need to be jumped through to say, “out with the old and in with the new.” Lots of REALLY good teachers are going to lose their jobs, not because they deserve to, but because someone else has been their longer. If education were run more like a corporation things would be better. If success were reward not simply because students score well on tests, but because the teacher does everything to make sure students learn, then the U.S. would be at the top. I don’t see that happened, and I find that really sad.