At times in my life I have worried that I took on too many responsibilities. At times in my life I thought that enough was enough. Currently, I am at one of those times again. See, I have this inability to say “no”. I know I can’t do it all. I’m not SuperWoman or a SuperMom- I’m just Sara. I have never thought that was good enough so I do more, and more, and more to try and please everyone else. It’s a nasty habit but one I struggle to break. Yesterday, I felt like I had reached my breaking point.
This school year I was put in a position to once again be the union rep. Not such a bad thing, but with the budget issues the district is struggling to negotiate with the union because there just isn’t money. However, like any “good” union, mine is trying to find money so teachers don’t lose their jobs. I didn’t receive a layoff notice so it doesn’t affect me as much, but many of my friends are going to lose their job. There’s no way around it. The point I’m making is being a union rep right now just adds to my burden.
I am also a department chair and a site leadership team member. All of these involve more meetings, more stress, more reading, and more talking than I really feel up to right now.
On top of this, I am in grad school through National University. I started last May and took December off. I will be done with my Master’s in July, but I’m just not in the mood to do the work anymore. Between all my meetings, and not sleeping, and wanting time with my son, I just don’t have the energy. I look at my books and the desire I had to finish is gone. It’s just one more burden. I got this way in college too. School just seemed like something I HAD to do not something I WANTED to do.
My therapist says I need to let things so, but remain responsible in my obligations. Well, let’s see… All of these are obligations! I’d like to quit it all. I can’t quit my job- I’d go before the school board and they could recommend I lose my credential. I could quit being the union rep or being on the leadership team, but that has its drawbacks. I don’t want to look like a “quitter” in the eyes of other administrators within the district. It’s likely my school is closing so I want to look good so I can go to a school I really want to teach at.
I feel like a bad mom too. I love my son and he loves me, but I admit I’m tired and I get lazy sometimes. I let him cry a few more minutes in the morning when he’s ready to wake up. I stopped letting him walk to the car because it was taking too long and that meant I had to leave a few minutes earlier than I wanted to. I look forward to when he’s ready for bed because then I can relax. Trust me, I LOVE playing with my son, reading to him, teaching him new things, etc. but with everything else it does pile up. That, and our new dog and cat make me tired too.
In our advisory class we just finished reading together Diary of a Wimpy Kid “The Ugly Truth”. The kids really enjoyed it, as did I. I never have time to read books and I had never read one before. The message that growing up isn’t easy really resonated with me. I am struggling with being an adult. Despite turning 30 in a year, I don’t know if being a grown-up is where I want to be right now. I love my son, my husband, and my family, but there are times where I think, “being a kid wasn’t so bad”. There are things that sucked about it, but I didn’t have nearly as much on my plate. As a kid I felt like what I did had purpose and meaning, now I struggling to find the “why” in what I’m doing. I guess I too need a Gammie to teach me that I should have stayed a kid longer. Then I wouldn’t be nearing my breaking point.
