I had my first child December 2, 2009. Nothing went as planned. The “birth plan” was a joke. I never needed it. I was due November 30th but my little man was set. He didn’t see a need to come into the world. However, during my appointment on the 30th my blood pressure was elevated. My OB thought it best to induce me the following day since my previous 2 appointments I also had slightly elevated blood pressure. The excitement I felt to see my son blinded me to the realities of an induction. I had read on babycenter.com about all these women who were being induced for varying reasons. It didn’t seem that bad. A lot didn’t include their birth stories, but I figured that if so many women were doing it I would be fine.
We arrived at Kaiser the following day at 5:30AM. I was so excited that the day had arrived. We got checked in, got to our room, and I got my basic tests administered- blood pressure, temperature, etc. Everything seemed fine. They explained that they’d be monitoring me and my baby the entire time just to make sure we were okay. Then they explained they’d be inserting a pill into my vagina to help open my cervix (I came in at a little less than 2 cm). They even told me it might take several doses before they were going to proceed with the pitocin.
After 4 hours with just the pill, the doctor came in, checked my cervix and decided I could start pitocin even though I was still just over 2 cm. Started that for a few hours. My contractions didn’t really hurt. In fact, I barely had them at all.
After 2 hours they came in, checked me again and said I wasn’t progressing so they were going to try inserting a ball behind my cervix, inflating it, and when it fell out I’d be at 4 cm. The whole idea of this freaked me out, but whatever. I wanted to meet my baby. The insertion process kind of hurt, but seemed okay. A few minutes after getting it inserted I really had to pee. So, I dragged my drip into the bathroom and low and behold the dang thing came out- along with blood, mucus, and all sorts of other nasty stuff. The bathroom looked so gross afterwards. I called a nurse and she cleaned it up. What a job…
Now that I was at 4 cm they upped my pitocin in more regular intervals. Still, my contractions never really hurt. Everyone told me they would, but they never did. After a couple more hours I got checked again and nothing was going on. So, the doctor decided to break my water to move things along. It was gross. It felt like I had peed all over the place, and it continued to feel that way the entire time.
After having my water broken my contractions felt a lot stronger. However, my cervix wasn’t dilating any faster. Over the next 6 hours I went from a 4 to a 5. My pitocin kept being upped every 1/2 hour which made my contractions hurt bad enough to ask for an epidural. Getting the epidural didn’t hurt, being forced to lie down doing nothing and peeing into a bag, that hurt my ego. I was happy to finally get some sleep.
Over the next 10 hours I was continually monitored. Doctors, nurses, my mom- they all checked on me. However, my little guy just did NOT want to come out. He was low in my pelvis, but my cervix did not open.
At 9:17am December 2nd my 6th OB came in to check me and to talk. I was at 6 cm and had my water broken 16 hours earlier. In 2 hours I would need a c-section anyway and the likelihood of me getting any more dilated were slim to none. He told me my best option was a c-section right then and there. I started to instantly cry. I know many women who’ve pushed and pushed only to be told they needed a c-section, but for me this was worse. My body had failed me. I couldn’t get anywhere near the pushing phase. I felt like I had failed my family, my husband, and my unborn son. All the things I had expected weren’t going to happen. I would never experience the “miracle of birth” where my baby is placed on my chest slimy and gross. I would be having surgery to extract him. It seemed so foreign and unnatural. I was disappointed to say the least.
In the operating room lots went wrong. I was leaned too far horizontal so my chest started to tighten. As an asthmatic that’s terrifying. They reduced the meds and propped me up after I had puked several times. By reducing my meds when they went to sew me back up and staple me closed, I felt severe pain. Because I was upset when they showed me my son I barely could focus on him. I feel like I missed his first moments. Despite all that hearing his first cries and seeing him then was amazing. At 9:58 AM I became a mommy. No one really tells you after a c-section you have to wait 30 minutes to hold your baby. My husband was holding our son as I was wheeled into recovery. He was so little and precious. I cried. I felt like I knew him without actually knowing him. There was some disconnect. I loved him but since we had never met it was a little strange. I had carried him for 9 months and yet, like any new person I wanted to get to know him. Maybe it’s a symptom of a c-section.
Over these last several months he’s changed so much. He smiles, he coos, he turns to look at me when he hears me, he’s not breastfeeding every 5 minutes, he tries rolling over, he can prop himself up when on his tummy, he can take a bottle, he likes standing up, and he lost him cone head from birth. I’ve changed too. I learned how much my mom loves me, I learned to love in a whole new way, I’m more patient, I learned how to use a breast pump, I can change diapers, I can swaddle, I can nurse and nap at the same time, and working no longer defines me.
I love my son more than I knew was possible. He’s so beautiful and so alert for his age. When discussing whether or not to have more children I just think about how I can’t imagine dividing my love for him with another child. I see how much effort and work goes into a newborn and I’m not ready to give my son any less attention.
Being a mom is amazing. Being a mom to my son is a blessing. I would not change anything about the last 2 months. They have been life altering in the best way possible.
